Where am I?

Ok, I feel stuck.

Not literally stuck like "My car is stuck in the mud" but stuck like I am walking along only to realize that this path doesn't really go anywhere. And then I look around and there's nothing but grayness all around me, no color, no trees, just "blah". And I'm going no where. I spend all day trying to get somewhere and just go in circles. But then I get home and it's like I have (what seems like) 12 minutes to do everything I have been dreaming of getting done, but there's never enough time. And the timer goes off after the 12 minutes is over to tell me "it's time to get ready to go back to purgatory."

I feel stuck.

First, you can probably guess I am feeling this way about my job. Let me clarify, I do not have an awful job! It is very secure, there is a lot of opportunity there, and the people are very friendly. I even have a very nice boss. The thing is, the work that I actually DO pins me to my computer the entire 8 hours I am clocked in. It is very monotonous and never exciting, extremely predictable and flat out boring. Yet what I do is vital to the entire company. So, why am I even talking about this? I don't know, maybe I feel like talking about it will make me feel better, maybe I am hoping that someone will come along and say "You're in luck! I happen to have an opening for your dream job and there's NO INTERVIEW!"........maybe I'm just whining. I just wonder if anyone else has felt this way.

I enjoy being able to help people in a way where I can see it happening and can see the result. I cannot see myself helping anyone there considering that I never see anyone while I'm there. At the branches, you could help people all day long, but the branch had it's down side too. (as does every job) Everybody was in everyone elses business and it caused drama a lot, and I always like everyone to be happy all the time. It was hard for me. On the other hand, your days would fly by, and even if they were slow, at least you had down time. There is never any down time in my job. There's always work to do. In fact, there's so much work, they make you take breaks for you to get away for 10 minutes. You would think that with all that work time would fly by....but you try sitting at your desk looking at page after page on your screen typing in account numbers and going to the next page to do the same thing over and over and over....

I don't guess I even know where I'm going with this. All I know is that I feel frustrated and stuck. It is a good job for me to have and it has been good for the family (no working saturdays, no hour long commutes, more money) but it's still hard to do it. I am going to school in order to have an opportinuty to do something I enjoy, but I am crawling at a snail's pace with one or two classes each semester. I feel like I'll never be close to graduating.

Daniel and I have talked about it and he understands how I feel. We're just in a weird place right now and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to change it. I am trying to be positive but with all the negativity I encounter every day (everywhere) it makes it mind numbing. I try to think of the reason why things are like this. There always seems to be a reason for things. God, can you maybe let me in on the reason? I just need to know that there IS a reason...please? Maybe? Just tell me something like "This is preparing you for the best job ever, so you will appreciate what you have when you have good things" or maybe "This is going to teach you how to deal with the mediocre" or even "This job will help you when you interview for a position when you're 43 years old." Something!!

After thinking on these things, I went to (in my opinion) one of the best books of the Bible: James. Here is what I found and it seems to fit.


James 1

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.


I guess I do need to take this to heart more.